health care england

“ Hey it’s me again, back for another post.

After literally writing out my whole mental health history in my previous and first blog, I am now focusing on the present rather than the past. Story of my life much.

These last few weeks have been stressful, very stressful indeed. Of course there are the obvious stresses, exams and school work etc, family life, relationships and the normal teenage hormone sh*t.

But then all of us on this site know the other stresses which bother us, the stresses of trying to keep at a vaguely liveable mood state, the stresses of trying to keep the cover over our hurt and pain.

 When I finished writing my last post I was in a mood of slight depression but just numbness. That numbness is still here but not as much which I think I’m grateful for. But then again, without the numbness you start to feel again, and of course that hurts. Hurting is all I ever seem to do at the moment. Even when I get moments of happiness they seem to be struck down by something.  Usually the haters. God they make my life hell sometimes. But anyway I'll get on to them later. The moments of happiness, my beloved ups, seem to be rather decisive at the moment. It’s usually around 11 - 3 when I'm happy now. Mornings I’m usually in a state of just complete auto - pilot and well evenings, let’s not even go there. Evenings scare me to death. That’s probably why I’m writing this in the evening, to take my mind off of the things going round me.

 Well to be honest, the main reason I’m writing this now is because I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow and I'm slightly nervous. It’s not the doctor that worries me or the reason I'm going, it’s the fact that I'm going alone. I've never gone alone before but I decided to book this appointment for myself and to go myself. In a moment of assuredness, a moment of "yes I'm strong enough to do this". I'm not so sure now.

 This appointment is going to be about my options with my mental health situation. As my school family and home family have found out, my problems are a lot worse than they anticipated. A lot worse than I anticipated. I think deep down I knew I wasn't okay but you never think you’re as bad as you are. Denial. It gets us all at some point or other. I'm going to talk about getting some extra support, more therapy and stuff. Apparently it might help me. I'm not holding out any hope for it, I know what helps me and sadly it’s also my downfall.

 "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger".                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Well that’s complete bullsh*t. My self harming isn't killing me, but it isn't making me stronger in the slightest. In fact I feel so weak when I’m doing it. Of course then that leads into the vicious circle of self hatred and belief that I need to be punished then regretting it then self hatred.

Actually talking of circles, my counsellor was telling me about myself the other day. Yes, telling ME about MYSELF. Odd thought that really isn't it.  Someone else knowing you more than you know yourself. Well anyway, she was telling me that I subconsciously think I'm a bad person, so I try to do good things to make myself a better person. But because I'm subconsciously thinking I'm a bad person, I will do bad things which will enforce the point of me being a bad person. I will then punish myself for being a bad person and then go into thinking that I am definitely a bad person. This then leads into another vicious circle. Oh those circles, I'd rather be in a triangle, or a 3d shape. Anything that doesn't go round and round.

I also have textbook low self esteem. I've never liked myself, in fact I effing hate myself. Why like yourself when you know you hurt people and make them sad? Why like yourself when hating yourself is so much easier and you get more fulfilment out of it?

So many questions, so little answers. I hate my personality, I hate my body, and I hate every aspect of myself in every way possible. Yet this is a major factor into my downfall. Hating myself only makes me hurt others which in turn makes them hate me, making me hate myself even more. Oh the joys of teenage drama.

I think I'm definitely a drama queen. :|

"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here"

Lyrics always seem to have some way of relating to your life. These are the ones which relate most to me at the moment. I did hurt myself today. I took myself away to the school toilets, the exact one in which I tried to commit suicide. Odd phrase isn't it, commit suicide. Committing to it. Committing to death. Mmm. Makes you think. Anyway, I took myself away and hurt myself. I felt so free; I felt the pain rushing out of me. Then it all came back again. Why can't it just go? Once again, so many questions and so little time.

 Ah I'm rambling now; I think I should wrap this blog up. This one doesn't really have a point to it; I just needed to get my feelings out.

 Anyway I have a bit more to say quickly, I just want to say thank you to - perggy - and - dizzygirl - and - Insomniac - for the comments. It’s nice to feel that someone read my ramblings and actually cared enough to comment, So thank you: ) You made a sad and lonely teenage girl smile and feel cared about. Even if it was just for a little while. I'll hold onto that forever.

A smile may not last forever, but the memory of the smile will last always.

So my dear friends, this is the end of blog.

To sum it up, I'm still numb but not as depressed. Those so called "ex-friends" or the haters as I like to call them are making school wonderfully awkward but I must just deal with it. I'm embarking on a new part of my mental health journey tomorrow by myself and I'm slightly worried. But I know that I can come here and write out my feelings and thoughts which will help me.

I hope everyone is doing okay, well as okay as possible.

I hope those smiles aren't faltering, and I hope some true smiles make their ways through.

I hope so much, and I love you all very much, my heart reaches out to you all.

Keep smiling, keep hoping and keep holding on.

Until next time my dears, au revoir, auf wiedersehen and good bye. <3

”

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