health care england

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Recently my therapist (T) wrote one of my parts a letter asked for help because you but wanted to express, you were unable to speak directly into the sessions so far. Another part: an angry, scary part (I haven't decided what name you on my blog yet) then tried to destroy the letter. It was recovered from yet another of my parts, mature, attentive part (who we 'Observers' call), who wrote a letter to T, then explained a few things about the whole "parts" situation and problems we encountered trying T which help us to trust. We were very nervous as all this with t. to go down would we did not know if perhaps we would be rebuked this to do. Growing up in an environment where each seemingly small or insignificant, what I did or the wrong thing and have scary consequences, makes me always ensure I'm doing something completely out of order without noticing. There is also the fear of being accused of these things make up. And then there is the fear of the person that just unaware it was as important a thing for me, you write. But we have a good reaction. T said it was very brave of us, there to you. In the letter, the mature part asked T T asked me about the pictures at the next session questions about the pictures.So (I had every week for months takes was but had not trust if T want to see not to mention: that would be a big blow for someone so fragile) and I showed you to it. The images were originally on to be a project that I decided to try to know my parts after first consciously parts is supposed to work. I set up a task paper express try to each change that I am aware. I allows one page per age and tried the pictures/drawings/colors/shapes/words/nothing else use to visually represent person.The child parts but loved this activity and I found kind of acquisition with him. The 'one page per age', what worked really: little C as I found several pages with images ranging from cut outs magazine, make pictures Christmas collages! Finally the child parts worked on two projects: one which 'like' and the dislikes or as they called it: "Things I dont like and things that feel me badly". Some of the images 'Dislike' are hard for me to consider. Some of the pictures a different child part scribbled had. Some, although not from a child part firmly scribbled had to be sealed or be covered for safety, so that pieces of map about you to keys or envelopes to the images in hide make plug. This felt safer somehow.So I it to T, sat and saw the flaps, among all the fully opened the envelope bits of torn paper of small images. She talked about what you saw. Some of the pictures had labels, and she was reading. I felt my get very upset to stop me angry child part that talk and look at the pictures on your cries want stop. Another part was feeling some other unpleasant feelings and my body was physically respond. To me, all sitting shell in silence, you would stop talking about what you saw and wish I could disappear. I think I was in and out of the room and drive. I could hear it in the background, but I tried not to: "I don't like buttons...." Maggots.... asking things to do, I don't want to do... "This looks like a bathroom..." but I was not really there more. I heard you say: "This tells a story" and give something about it a lot of "Information". I woke up in the middle of the night with everything buzzing round in my head. There were so Los talk (there is always talk goes but sometimes it gets louder and more annoying or argumentative or annoying). Someone was really concerned.  Reminded "The words tells a story" and "Information" and you were screaming at me: "what you say you?" What have you done? What information? "What was in the pictures?" I don't think that you really for answers when searching on reflection have. I think, had fallen in panic. We have our lives with the motto which lived: trust no one, because everyone is the down arrow or hurting you. We learn that lesson at a young age to scream for help for adults who do not want what going see was so ignored the shouts and the other way.Sometimes looked up if it is too much in my head, I get a pen and paper and write the story, how it goes on. This helps people to get your opinion; It helps me to know what's going on, but it can be a really bad thing. Sometimes, if a means to bring given that usually is not available, can be to see things begin to get that very disturbing on paper.If interested in maybe I some story in this blog, could make, if this is something, want to read? I know I tried to see Googling if someone blogging has tried their internal calls, but I haven't been able to finden.Ich must think more about, this is definitely to do OK but if you want, read it let me know (often it is not pretty though.Muss of this blog rules language or content?)As well, that's enough for now, I'm sure that your eyes will become tired if not your brain after reading all this!"

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Recently one of my parts wrote my therapist (T) a letter asking for help, because they have not been able to directly speak in the sessions so far but wanted to express that they were there. Another part: an angry, scared part (I haven’t decided what pseudonym to give them on my blog yet) then tried to destroy the letter. It was salvaged by yet  another of my parts, a more mature, observant part (who we call ‘the observer’), who then wrote a cover letter to T, explaining a few things about the whole ‘parts’ situation and issues we are encountering in trying to trust T to help us.

 We were very nervous about how all of this would go down with T. We didn’t know if perhaps we would be rebuked for doing this. Growing up in an environment where any seemingly small or insignificant thing I did or didn’t do could have been the wrong thing and have scary consequences, makes me always worry I am doing something totally out of order without realising. There is also the fear of being accused of making this all up. And then there’s the fear of the person just not realising how significant a thing it was for me to give them the letter. But we got a good reaction. T said it was very courageous of us to give it to them.

In the letter, the more mature part asked T to ask us about the pictures.

So T asked me about the pictures at the next session (which I had been bringing along every week for months but hadn’t had confidence to mention in case T didn’t want to see them: that would be a huge blow for someone so fragile) and I showed them to her.

The pictures were originally supposed to be a project which I decided to work on to try to get to know my parts, after first becoming aware of even having parts. I set myself a task of trying to express on paper, each alter that I am aware of. I allowed one page per alter and tried to use pictures/drawings/colours/shapes/words/anything else to visually represent that person.

The child parts however LOVED this activity and I found them kind of taking over with it. The ‘one page per alter’ thing didn’t really work out as I found ‘little C’ making several pages of pictures, ranging from cut outs of magazine pictures to Christmas collages!

Eventually the child parts worked on making two projects: one of ‘likes’ and the other of ‘dislikes’ or as they named it: ‘Things I don’t like and things that make me feel bad’. Some of the ‘dislike’ pictures are hard for me to look at. Some of the pictures, another child part had scribbled out. Some, although not scribbled out, a child part decided needed to be sealed off or covered for safety, so they stuck pieces of card over them to make flaps or envelopes to hide the pictures in. This felt safer somehow.

So I sat there opposite T, while she looked under all the flaps and opened the envelope full of tiny pictures on bits of torn paper. She was talking through what she was seeing. Some of the pictures had captions too and she was reading them. I felt my angry child part getting very upset, wanting to scream at her to stop talking and stop looking at the pictures. Another part was feeling some other unpleasant emotions and my body was physically reacting.

Me, the shell of everyone, sat there in silence, wishing I could disappear and wishing she would stop talking through what she was looking at. I think I was drifting in and out of the room as well. I could hear her in the background but I was trying not to: “I don’t like buttons.... maggots.... being asked to do things I don’t want to do.... this looks like a bathroom...” but I wasn’t really there anymore. I heard her say: “This tells a story” and something about it giving a lot of “information”.

I woke in the middle of the night with everything buzzing round in my head. There was so much talking going on (there’s always talking going on but sometimes it gets louder and more disturbing or argumentative or tiresome). Someone was REALLY anxious. They remembered the words “tells a story” and “information” and they were shouting at me: “What did you tell her?! What have you done?! What information?! What was on the pictures?!”  

I don’t think they were really looking for answers though on reflection. I think they were just panicking. We have lived our lives with the motto of: trust no one because everyone will let you down or hurt you. We learnt that lesson at a young age after crying out for help to adults who didn’t want to see what was going on so ignored the cries and looked the other way.

Sometimes if there’s too much going on in my head, I get a pen and paper and write down the narrative as it goes on. This helps people to get their say; it helps me to know what is going on, but it can be a really bad thing too. Sometimes when given a means of expressing that is not usually available, things start to come out that can be very disturbing to see on paper. If you’re interested perhaps I could put some of the narrative into this blog, if that’s something you’d like to read? I know I’ve tried Googling to see if anyone else has tried blogging their internal conversations but I haven’t been able to find any. I will need to think more about if this is definitely OK to do but if you would like to read it let me know (often it’s not pretty though. Does this blog have rules about language or content?)

Anyway, that’s enough for now, I’m sure your eyes will be tired, if not your brain after reading all of that!

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