health care england

So this is my first blog.

Well where to start?

Maybe a bit of info about me.

I'm 15 years old and I've been a self harmer for the last 2 years. I have also been recently diagnosed with Bipolarity, finally I know what I am. A manic depressive.

Heres my story so far..

It started after a very rough patch with my parents which began when I was 7...  and finally I snapped at News year eve 2007/08. 

The new year started out with my beloved parents making me stand a couple of metres away from them after once again having a fight all about nothing. Bloody typical.

I was stranded in a strange place all alone hating my life and hating my parents. Of course the problems with my parents weren't the only trigger, life at school was becoming unbearable. I knew something had to happen to change my life, I couldn't go on living like this.

So when I got back to school I found out about self harming from a friend and well the idea sounded like it might work. So I started it, I can still remember the first cut now. Straight into the bone on my right wrist. Yes it hurt like hell but I found out I loved it. Sadly then the addiction started.

My cutting was in secret then and gradually got worse and worse, eventually just getting out of control. Then just to make things even better, the voice in my head then started talking to me which then brings me to that one day, the day I call my breakdown day, the day that I completely lost it. Imagine it, a young girl sitting on the floor in school, screaming and shouting scared out of my life. Teachers running, friends crying, no one had a clue what was wrong. I had to tell them. Then everyone found out. That was March 2008. Of course after that day everyone was more careful around me, however the cutting did not reduce or my emotions get any better. My teachers and parents decided that something should be done to help me.

So I then started counselling.

I've had counselling for the last two years to try and get over all my emotional problems. I had it from March 2008 to June 2009, and stopped just after my 14th birthday as then both myself and my counsellor felt I was okay, well okay enough to stand on my own two feet.

Thosetwo years were constant ups and downs, more cutting and less cutting, more fights and less fights. Things were sometimes great, but sometimes awful. Sadly though, the problem I went to counselling for in the first place never subsided. I was infact constantly cutting.

On the up side, this last year I luckily had an amazing year, one of the best years I've ever had. Great friends, alright family and the best boyfriend in the world.

Sadly I ruined all that. My friends all became extremely close to my boyfriend at the time (lets call him E.G) and well to be blunt I cheated on him, not only once of twice but three times. I know what your thinking, what a total slag! And I know.. I was. Who knows what the hell I was thinking.. I still don't even know now. After the first time he found I cheated, everything was relatively okay. After the second time he found out i'd cheated on him again, I not only lost him as my boyfriend, I also lost my "best friend" (lets call her A.B) and tried to commit suicide in the toilets, which as you can tell happily failed. After the third time I lost the last few close friends I had, as it involved my bestest friend of them all (lets call her M.G) and well to put it bluntly, completely lost my mind.

Imagine losing two of the most important people in your life, then realising your mistakes changing yourself but then something that you did when you were a bad person comes back and ruins everything that you'd somehow managed to save from the other incident.

It was one of the worst times in my life and I'm still trying to get over that. It was only a month ago when the third incident happened and I still cry about it.

Seeing all of them together, all still loving friends and having one thing in common, a huge raging hatred for me.

So some recent news.

This last month I've started the last year at school, year eleven, with hardly any close friends and an awful reputation. Ive started counselling again after the attempted suicide and my cutting. But this time its not just about my cutting and my moods but how I treat myself and others around me, mainly my supposed friends. I'm doing it because I'm scared of hurting the people I love again, they really didn't and don't deserve that. I am a bad person and I must change.

These next few months are going to be so hard, and I've been through so much already. I just have to keep strong, but then most people on here would probably understand how easy that is to say but just how hard it is to actually do.

I'm struggling at the moment and I feel more alone than ever. No one understands and it hurts. I feel numb. Numb inside and out. Cutting sets me free.

I have two sides to me. One side that wants to cut and another side that desperately wants to stop. Actually I have two sides to everything. I'm guessing that's just my manic depression. It kills me. I'm constantly fighting with myself and my emotions. I just don't know what to do anymore. I miss my old counsellor, I miss the old days where everything was better and easier.

I regret. I hurt. I miss so much. But I've learnt.

The last 2  - 3 weeks I've been constantly depressed but then this last weekend I had an episode of mania, not complete but only hypo-mania. Sadly today I was going up and down very quickly and well at the moment I'm just numb, not feeling anything. I can feel myself going down and I know that tonight is going to be awful.

Sorry that my first post is so long, I just wanted to get my story completely told.

Well I guess that is all for now.

Love you all. 

Peace to you all.

Keep on smiling. Even if its just a fake one like mine. <3

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