health care england

I'll be writing more but am going in for a left hip replacement on Thursday

I am 64 and have known I was 'different' since early childhood - because of a cleft lip and palate, and my mother's chronic illness for which I, wrongly, felt responsible.  It wasn't until I was in my thirties that we found that essential tremor is a genetic condition, and she had it extremely badly.  I have it very mildly.  I was always a loner at school - moderately dyspraxic, not wanted for any teams etc. and a bookworm and 'teachers pet.'

Even my parents didn't know that I tried to strangle myself when I was 9.  When I was nursing I did brilliantly academically, but had great difficulty in personal relationships.  I came out of nursing/midwifery because of depression and back pain, and did a secretarial course.  I worked at a charity for 26 years until being mde redundant and retiring.  I had a lot of interpersonal problems at work - I'm a strong Myers-Briggs ISTJ and can come across os aggressive without intending to.  The last two years were much easier when I had a new line manager and felt much better in relating, trying to model myself on him.  For a while I was also Mum's sole carer as well as working full time.

I have been on most antidepressants with varying results.  I certainly respond better to the older ones than the SSRIs, although I am prepared to try sertraline (Lustral)I prefer to discuss drugs etc. by my superb practice of GPs and have declined offers for psychiatic treatment.  I had two courses of short counselling and would like some sessions on dealing with chronic pain with the same counsellor, but traveliing is difficult with my back and hip arthritis.  Currently I'm taking 100mg trimipramine and 50mg amitriptyline but hope to change when things have settled down.  I'm having a setback, partly because of the pain, and partly because I am on prenisolone for polymyalgia rheumatica.  Reducing the dose to 7.5mg also leads to worse pain control.  At times I have suicidal thoughts, although at present am not.  I try to eat healthily and writing helps, but exercise has to stop at present.

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