health care england

“ In between referrals, life goes on. I’ve lost 10 pounds just by eating less and exercising more (it really is that simple for most people). My asthma has returned following severe exposure to an obscure allergen. My partner and I experienced our first positive pregnancy test after years of infertility… and subsequently miscarried days later. I started a new project at work. And next month, I meet my next therapist.

Having a Personality (Disorder)

Inherent in personality disorders is the idea that something is broken. Something is causing pain or discomfort. And by virtue of this pain/discomfort, something needs to be changed.

It follows then, that there are many different sorts of personalities, none of which cause pain and discomfort. One person can even have multiple personalities. There are so many different ways to be human; some seem absolutely bizarre and impossible, but it’s important to accept that these differences are not inherently wrong and do not necessarily need ‘fixing.’

The first and biggest hurdle of a personality disorder is acknowledging something about you is different. Following that acknowledgment is validation from others… whether in the form of meeting people with similar personalities and experiences or in the form of a therapist diagnosing and reassuring you. This isn’t an easy process. For one, culture demands similarity, familiarity, and intimacy. The more you deviate, the less likely people will accept you. The less they accept you, the less likely they will be to validate your different perceptions and behaviours. You will probably even stigmatize yourself.

If you aren’t able to accept your own differences, you will either be fighting them or denying them. Either way, in the best case scenario, you will be wasting a lot of energy just ‘getting by’. In a worst case scenario, you resort to drugs, self-harm, abuse, smoking, eating disorders, alcohol and so on. So, the second hurdle is self-acceptance, even if it means accepting that you are utterly unhappy about the sort of person you are and completely doubtful about your ability (or desire) to change. Change only follows acknowledgment and acceptance.

It may be this is all you need to cope. Someone with dissociative identity disorder does not need to integrate all of their parts. Someone with schizoid personality disorder doesn’t need to be more sociable. What anyone with a personality disorder really needs are the resources and skills to cope with who they are, so that they become just a personality (minus the disorder).

Everyone changes, grows, develops… that’s life. The only difference a personality disorder makes is that there are more hurdles between you-today and the you-tomorrow.

Being Schizoid

I have no friends, and despite being deeply lonely, I struggle to want friends in practice. I can’t even tolerate having family on the best days, and I barely sustain enough intimacy with my partner to conceive a child.

There are few opportunities for me to have a relationship which is safe… that grows at a pace and a distance I find comfortable.  The real world gives parking spaces for disabled, but you won’t find any equipment to service my handicap. I cannot sustain a friendship. My psychological soil is inhabitable.

The more judgmental readers might be secretly happy that my partner and I cannot reproduce… except, in reality that’s the third hammer to strike. I’m not a daughter. I’m not a friend. I won’t be a mother. With all of this emptiness, I’m not sure how much longer I can manage to be a wife.

So, if all I am …is an employee… what happens when I retire? What if I ever lose my job? What if I become unable to work?

Desperate for meaning doesn’t cut it. I can see why I’m such a high risk for suicide despite my lack of suicidal thoughts. There is a real danger that one day I will have no attachments left at all. No reason for today or tomorrow. No sign to anyone that anything is wrong.

I don’t want to change my personality. I just want to experience the ups and downs of being a wife, a mother, a friend, and a daughter, rather than the perpetual grief and shame hanging over me in every quiet moment.

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